ISSA - International Slalom Skateboarding Association

Team Fatboy's doing it again! Sunday, June 3rd in Mahwah NJ. We think this might be the same spot Hoffa's buried! No really!

All info here:

http://www.ncdsa.com/contest_registrati ... testID=314

Go sign up!

Any questions can be asked here or email me.

Bring out the Gimp!

Hey! Guess what! Jeebus came to me in a dream last night, and said all who don't sign up and attend the NJ Outlaw Race on Sunday June 3rd will be condemmed to suck popsicle sticks in Hell!! Come on, you don't want to do that!This is hell were talking about! The popsicles will melt so you'll never get a good meal and your hands will be sticky for all eternity! I mean, sticky hands are okay once in a while when you can wash them in the bathroom right away, but do you really think they have faucets and fixtures in Hell! I think not. And if they did, there probably really lousy ones like the kind you buy at Ikea and they'll break after the first thousand years. In fact, I bet Hell is furnished completely with Ikea products. And they probably make you assemble all the furniture using that stupid little star wrench so you can't use a power drill. This is not a burn on the Swedish, who we all know make fine cars, death metal and meatballs, but the furniture is a little questionable. Come on, fess up, you know Ikea sucks. And so do melting popsicles in hell. So go sign up and save yourselves from Dammnation! Come on, they'll be punch and pie. And did I mention Llama rides? And we came up with a new penalty: If you hit the very first cone on the course, you get a pie in the crotch. Cool huh? I'm gonna criddle the first cone on purpose!! Who doesn't want to race with pie in there crotch all day? I know I do! So go sign up! Praise Jeebus!

Wow, you're really bored today, eh Rob?
Go skate.

That's an awesome picture!! Thanks Noah!

Yes, I'm extremely bored, work is painfully slow today.

I have come up with the following new rules for this race:

If you do not conehead for at least one racer on your way back up the hill, you will recieve a pie in the crotch. And don't give me the old "but I had to change wheels real fast, waaaaaaaaaaah" You should have done that in practice, and fact of the matter is, you can conehead for at least one racer and still have time to change your wheels before your next run. If you that much of a shlomo that it takes you over 10 minutes to change your wheels, you shouldn't be skateboarding. Come on, there soft duros for christ's sake. In fact, anyone now caught changing there wheels for over 10 minutes will recieve a subsequent pie in the crotch.

Complaing about pie's in the crotch is a pieable offense. If by chance you are allerigic to whip cream, a hypo allergenic pie will be provided for you. If you are super sensitive, (or read, not man enough) to take a pie in the crotch, another area may be selected to recieve your pie, prefrebly in the butt. Bonus points will be added if you select to take it full on in your face. Your time will not be affected, but you will recieve bonus points. Towards nothing. But hey, who doesn't want bonus points?

Also, there will be a line of cones marking how far back on the hill you can start from. You will be allowed to start further back on the hill, ONLY if you can OLLIE the cones and roll from it right into your run. Please read: Ollies only, no bonelesses, no acid drops, a no hand assisted Ollie. So start learning how to pop those 200 dollar foamcores.

Anybody that complains about the absurdness and general bafoonery of these rules while be told to take their little ball and go home. No slalom jocks allowed.

Thank you.

All this talk about pies in the crotch! You know, some people actually like that kind of thing. There are whole Web sites devoted to showing it. You can even buy DVDs and pay-per-view videos with slo-mo and extreme close-ups.

Um, at least that's what I've heard.

Racers please take note - Raab is very serious about the tomfoolery! No joke - if you can't take getting hit with a pie or sock puppets announcing your turn, please don't show up.

This is a very real warning - no shizz! The times will be real, and the course will be beginner friendly, and we will be very supportive for the rookies. But you race veterans should be prepared for stupidity the likes of which you've never seen at a sanctioned event. If you wanna talk bearing spacers with the other nerds, please go to Paris or some other event where they care. Chances are real good if you make us laugh hard enough, we'll reduce your hit cone count!

Now, all that being said - c'mon out and have some FUN at a race!

WOW!! Have I been gone a long time!!! Pie in the What?Where?Who? I like that there is no foot breaking, but this pie business????


Who am I kidding, I"LL BE THERE!!! Skate with you all soon.

Lisa - if it rains again at least we won't go hungry!

-RF

I just found Mahwah on the map.

This race is closer to Stepanek and Tway than for Noah.

ur13 could walk to this race. And he could save paying the toll on the Tappan Zee!

I'm coming and no one better paste my crotch with pie or there will be some serious reprocussions.
Also, what ranking does this race have with the ISSA??
I've been training my ass off this season and just want to know how many points are on the line.
I can appreciate humor but I do hope you are kidding about the tomfoolery.
I race to RACE!
Also, I've noticed a lack of detail about conditions at the race site. What is the grade of the hill? How smooth is the pavement? How many cones? What is the cone penalty? I need about 30 minutes to dial my setup between practice and race. Will this be provided?? Can I push all the way to the first cone? Any restriction on Lycra? Can I bring my 12 wheeler?
You say there will be no footdrag required but are you sure? I have special shoes that I use for footdragging. Is there a start cadence? Beeping? What beep do we go on and if so, what end of the beep? The start or end? Tapeswitch or beam? Will water be provided? What about shade? Is the course partially shaded? Fully shaded? No shade? What elevation are you at?

I expect that you should be able to answer all of the above questions as soon as possible. Not to burst your bubble but all of this should have been cleared up long ago.

Thank you.

Dear Troy Smart,

1. File a protest
2. Role your protest up in a ball.
3. Suck it.

Cmon Troy, you are going to scare these guys and wreck all their fun. We know you're a points whore, but you're taking it too far this time.

Maybe we'll have the "pie" rule just for you at the Farm.

Troy Smart wrote:I'm coming and no one better paste my crotch with pie or there will be some serious reprocussions.
Also, what ranking does this race have with the ISSA??
I've been training my ass off this season and just want to know how many points are on the line.
I can appreciate humor but I do hope you are kidding about the tomfoolery.
I race to RACE!
Also, I've noticed a lack of detail about conditions at the race site. What is the grade of the hill? How smooth is the pavement? How many cones? What is the cone penalty? I need about 30 minutes to dial my setup between practice and race. Will this be provided?? Can I push all the way to the first cone? Any restriction on Lycra? Can I bring my 12 wheeler?
You say there will be no footdrag required but are you sure? I have special shoes that I use for footdragging. Is there a start cadence? Beeping? What beep do we go on and if so, what end of the beep? The start or end? Tapeswitch or beam? Will water be provided? What about shade? Is the course partially shaded? Fully shaded? No shade? What elevation are you at?

I expect that you should be able to answer all of the above questions as soon as possible. Not to burst your bubble but all of this should have been cleared up long ago.

Dude, then don't come. Seriously. We are out to have fun. I can already tell that your all anal about rules, regulations, and other crap, I seriously don't want someone like you there ruining my fun because your bitching about something. Its a skateboard race. Skateboarding is suppost to be fun. If you want to jock it up and turn it into something else, thats fine, but don't come to my race. I can't stress this enough, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, DON'T COME TO THIS RACE. Sorry, but you'll just have to find another way to get points for your attendence recor- I mean your ISSA ranking. God forbid you have a lower number next to your name on a internet site that barely anybody reads. You'll never make the big bucks that everyone knows is in slalom now. So sorry.

And your going to have to miss out on these fabulous trophies too:




And not to sound like a total dick, I will answer some of those questions. The pavement is 7/10. I wrote that on the sign up for the race but I guess you didn't read that part. Also, there is an uphill run out, no footbraking is required. Really. I'm serious. Is there shade? not really, there are trees and shit, its surrounded by woods. I don't know the grade, its steep. Its fast. I don't know the cone count because I'm not setting the course till race day. I'm not like some others on here who set courses and run them for a month straight before the race, I think that's cheating. I'm also setting the course to the skill level of the people who show up. Like I said, this race is for FUN. Picking up cones all day is not fun. Tallying cone counts is not fun. The cone penatly will most likely be a tenth per cone. The timing system is a beam, its the equaline system that people have talked about in the timing section on this site. It runs on 9 volt batteries. Jupitor will be in the second house, Neptune's moons will be rotating, but I still haven't figured out the air speed of an African Swallow carrying a coconut. There, happy now?

Hey East Coast Boys


Have fun this weekend in New Jersey! I spent this last weekend with Tyler Hagar from NJ on the Trocodaro. He'll be bringing the heat back with him. I'd be there but I'll be in hannover. Do it up right tho!

Any MA skaters gonna hit this one?

"IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, DON'T COME TO THIS RACE!"

Gee Rob, maybe you should apply this to yourself.

Do you really think I have a 12 wheeler and that knowing the elevation would be important?

Lighten up, douchebag. You're way too serious.

Gotcha.

Sorry, but I can't distingush between the actual anal racers that freak out over bearing spacers and axle tolerances on this site and someone who is just pretending to be one to be funny. Sacrasm is a little hard to detect on an online forum. Plus I have gotten emails asking about the length of the hill, elevation and grade already so I just lumped you into the pain in the ass keyboard racer catagory automatically.

Yes........you got me.

But we will really see who got who when your eating chocolate pudding out of an inflatable toliet.

Suck it two times

Guess what? I do have a 12 wheeler and I already know the elevation.
And there's a lot of other things that I know too.
You see I was serious, then I joked to make it look like I was jokeing.
Am I serious?? Am I joking??
It's a head trip man. I'm messing with your mind. I'm twisting it back and forth like a gummy fish. Come race day you won't know which way's up and you'll go down like a little girl.

IT'S ON!!

It's on like DONKEY KONG!

So you better bring it PUDDING BOY cause you know I will!

I'll be bringing it in a big old bag of some kind.

The only big bag you'll be bringing is a big bag of suck.

You really want to do this? I'm a douchebag from the ghetto's of NJ, and your some rich jerk off from the friggen HAMPTONS. Whats a bad day up there, when you run out of Grey Pupon? When your maid puts to much starch in your dockers and you get a blow out in your deck loafers? Eat a big bowl of uncircumsized dick. ( I was going to throw Asain in there too but I don't want to seem racist.) Come and get one in the yarbles if you have any yarbles at all. Bring your 12 wheelers and your lycra that shows off your unimpressive moose knuckle, you wind sailing nautical knowledge having fairy. Your mother was a hampster, and your father reeked of eldaberries.

uh oh - sounds like I better bring extra whipped cream!

Rob,

You know Troy. You woke him up at the Farm last year. Of course, you woke everyone up at the Farm last year.

Joe

Oh yeah, like I'm really going to remember anybody I met for the first time that night.

Its all your fault anyway Yakosmelli. You forced me to drink the Absinthe. And the rest of the margarita ball. Therefore, I put the entire blame on you. It had nothing to do with my alcholism and lack of boundries and morals.

Suck it Princess.

Raaab.

Yo Douchebags! Have fun this weekend! Wish I could be there with you guys but we're having an outlaw on saturday in Montreal organized by Pierre.

It's a nice way to celebrate his birthday and his introduction in the Masters class...

Miguel Marco wrote: It's a nice way to celebrate his birthday and his introduction in the Masters class...

Exactly how old does one have to be to enter the "Master Class"???

Tony Peters wrote:Exactly how old does one have to be to enter the "Master Class"???

I think it's 45... but races with a Masters Class are probably pretty rare.

Thanks Mig!! Good luck to you guys up there too. Hope to see you at the Farm or Antrim later this year.

Now for something completely unfun:

THE WEATHER REPORT.

Right now it is showing scattered T-storms for Sunday, 40% chance of rain. But have no fear!! I will not let Mother Nature pee on our parade of Jackassedtry! THIS RACE WILL GO ON RAIN OR SHINE, I WILL NOT CANCEL NO MATTER WHAT. If we do happen to get rained out, we will move to an underground spot that stays dry in rainstorms. We use it to practice during the winter. Its about 20 minutes from the race site down one highway. The only drawback is, its pretty damn near flat. So we will run a TS. Yes, I know flat TS is boring, but trust me, we will make it fun. We'll teach you how to have fun dammit!! So throw a TS board in your car before you leave just in case. Even if its raining on your way down, or the ground is still wet, PLEASE MEET AT THE RACE SITE BY 11am and we will decide what we are doing from there.

Lately the weatherman have been wrong about the rain here in Jersey, they have a tough time what with the layer of pollution and toxic waste in the atmosphere and all, so I have no worries.

Miguel Marco wrote:

Tony Peters wrote:Exactly how old does one have to be to enter the "Master Class"???

I think it's 45... but races with a Masters Class are probably pretty rare.

whew I have 5 more years then....maybe by then enough of us will be old and the masters class will be fully flushed out....

Robert...leafblowers are what saved the Needham open get a bunch

Sorry, I live in an apartment. No leafblower. But hey, anyone else wants to bring one, I won't object

Its on! 11am! See you guys there! If anyone has any questions or gets lost, call my cell: eight six two two six two six three four nine. Thanks!

I have been waiting for a few days to hear the stories of pies and debauchery. So did the event go off? Did Troy get a pie? If so was it a face or crotch shot. I had my in-laws visiting for the weekend so there was no chance for me getting down there. If you have another race I will try and make it down. Jersey Rules!

I have the results and the times at home, I will put them up tonight. Sorry, I keep forgetting. Over half the people that signed up didn't show. Big thanks again to Duqette, Cmc, and Preston for driving the far distance to race with a bunch of douchebags. The race was alot of fun and kind of hard to explain in words. Hopefully those who took pictures will post them.